


The Avenues Arc

by mithrel



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Blanket Permission, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mind Meld, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-17
Updated: 2009-05-23
Packaged: 2017-10-30 10:44:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/330856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mithrel/pseuds/mithrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk comes to terms with the effects from the meld with Spock Prime.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Avenues

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Окольные пути](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3268868) by [mila007](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mila007/pseuds/mila007), [WTF_MOSK](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WTF_MOSK/pseuds/WTF_MOSK)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He'd never. Not in this reality.

The sharing-of-thoughts thing had been freaky. Not only because he had just met the man, no matter what he said. Not only because he hadn't thought Spock was _capable_ of grief like that.

When the...other Spock was in his head, things...leaked through. Things that he would never in a million years consider.

In the other timeline, he hadn't met Spock until after he had been posted to the _Enterprise_ as Captain. Spock had already been serving with Captain Pike. When he came aboard, they were wary of each other, but didn't have anything like the animosity he and Spock had now.

They formed a cautious friendship, based mostly on the fact that they had to work together, and not really worthy of the name "friendship" at all, but it had grown over time.

He'd trusted Spock enough to defend him when he was court-martialed over...Talos, was it?...and Spock figured out the fact that his own court martial was rigged. Spock had trusted him enough to ask him to Vulcan for...something important, he wasn't sure what. When Spock had been taken over by the spores, his counterpart had said some horrible things, but he'd had to, to snap him out of it. Spock had attacked him, but been immediately sorry, offering to put himself on report. And Spock had recognized his counterpart when he'd switched bodies. They'd done this a lot, over the years, sharing thoughts, enough so that they'd formed a permanent mental link.

That wasn't all that came through, though. Spock and his counterpart had been...he didn't even want to think about it. He wasn't sure when it happened, maybe after the...pon farr, that was it, he'd been to Vulcan for Spock's pon farr, and Spock had almost killed him. His counterpart must be more different from him than he thought–he'd never even _consider_...the species thing wasn't a problem; after all, he;d been willing to sleep with that Orion girl, and she hadn't been anywhere near the first. But he'd never done it with a Vulcan...he wouldn't dare even _think_ about it around a Vulcan woman, since they were supposed to be telepathic, and now he knew that for a fact. And _certainly_ never with a man, _especially_ not with Spock. Maybe it was possible in that other universe, but not here.

When the mind meld (that's what it was called, a mind meld) finished, he didn't say anything about it to the older Spock. He knew full well that none of that was meant to come through, that he wasn't supposed to know anything about his counterpart's life, and probably the only reason it _had_ come through was that this Spock wasn't used to shielding against him. So he agreed to the plan, and Spock told Scott how to beam them back to the _Enterprise._

When he got back to the bridge, he was convinced the older Spock had been hallucinating...or maybe _he_ had, given the fact that he'd never melded before. Drawing on what he'd seen in the other Spock's mind, he baited him. Spock was obviously angry, but he didn't do anything about it until Kirk accused him of not loving his mother...then he almost killed him, which he should have expected, but it still took him by surprise.

After that he put the entire thing out of his mind...he was the captain, and he had to keep Earth from suffering the same fate as Vulcan. It wasn't until after the _Narada_ was destroyed, and he was back on Earth, that he remembered Spock at all.

He'd done well, destroying the drilling rig, and he supposed he could admire him, grudgingly, although he doubted he'd ever be friends with him, and certainly not...well, anyway.

When Spock appeared on the bridge of the _Enterprise_ to offer his services as first officer, he was surprised. He would have thought the Vulcan would want to stay the hell away from him after what had happened. But he remembered what the older Spock had said &–"I have been, and always shall be your friend." Spock wouldn't make a good captain–he was too "by the book," and if he _had_ intuition (his older self did, after all) he'd probably never listened to it in his life. But he _would_ make a good first officer, and might even manage to keep him from going off half-cocked. And, thinking about it, he realized that a great deal of what made the older Spock so different was down to _his_ influence.

So he accepted. They had a lot of bad blood between them, for all that Spock would deny it, but it was just possible that they could be friends after all.


	2. Enlightenment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy is worried about Jim.

It would be a few weeks yet before the _Enterprise_ was ready to ship out; they had to repair all the damage done by the _Narada_ and the singularity first. And Jim wasn’t acting like he should. After he’d been promoted to captain, the youngest in the fleet, McCoy had been fully expecting to have to puncture his swelled head.

Jim had been understandably pleased during the ceremony, but afterwards he seemed to withdraw, not talking to anybody. It had been a week, and he decided enough was enough.

He went to Jim’s apartment and buzzed the door. He had to buzz three more times before a very irritated Jim Kirk finally opened the door.

“What do you want?”

McCoy rolled his eyes. “What the hell’s eating you? You just got promoted to captain, for God’s sake, but you’re moping around like your grandmother died.”

Jim’s expression shuttered. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Tough. You’re going to tell me what’s going on, or I’m going to sit here, buzzing the door at random intervals, until you do. If you want to get any sleep I suggest you spill.”

“Fine!” Jim growled at him. “But I’m gonna need a drink.”

“Fair enough. Come on.”

He didn’t live too far away, so they walked. There was no use taking a shuttle, and he didn’t even like using transporters in space, let alone planetside.

“Where are we going?”

“My place.”

“Why?”

“Because the bars don’t have the kind of alcohol you obviously require.”

Jim shrugged and followed him.

When they got to his rooms, he went to the kitchen and rummaged in a cupboard while Kirk sat down. He went into the living room and set two glasses and a bottle on the coffee table, then sat down in the vacant chair.

Kirk looked at the bottle with amusement. “Saurian brandy? Bones, don’t you know that stuff’s illegal?”

“I only use it for medicinal purposes, and, in my considered medical opinion, you need it.”

“I never argue with my doctor,” Jim said, and took the drink he poured him, draining half of it in one go.

“So what’s up?”

“Spock.”

His brow furrowed. “What about him? You two aren’t still fighting, are you? You took him on as first officer, I thought…”

“No, we’re not still fighting, although I should probably apologize for provoking him like that, and whatever else. It’s…complicated.”

“I don’t have anywhere to be.”

Jim took another sip of his drink, tapping his fingers on his knee. “I…met another version of him.”

“Of Spock?” He wasn’t sure what Jim was talking about.

“Yeah. He was…older. A lot older. He was from a different timeline. The same timeline as Nero.”

“OK, so you met another Spock. Weird, but not enough to put you in a funk like this.”

“He melded with me.”

“He did what?” McCoy asked, confused.

Jim waved a hand irritably. “Look, you…you know Vulcans are telepathic, right?”

“Yeah,” he replied, wondering where this was going.

“Well, they have this thing, where they can share each other’s thoughts. He did that, to show me what was going on.”

“Ouch. Now I know why you’ve been acting weird.”

“No. I mean…it wasn’t the meld that bothered me. Not as such.” Jim went to take a drink, and noticed his glass was empty. McCoy refilled it.

“So what is bothering you?”

“He and I…I mean they…whatever…were friends in the other timeline.”

“Nothing wrong with that. You’d be good for each other.”

“Yeah, but they…weren’t just friends.”

“Hmm?”

“They were sleeping together.”

“Oh.” He was silent for a long while. “And Spock…the other Spock…told you this?”

“No. I mean, yes, but I don’t think he meant to. I just got…flashes.”

“I could see that would be awkward.”

“Yeah. I didn’t mention it, and neither did he. I don’t even know if he knew I picked up on it. They were close. _Really_ close, linked somehow. And his Kirk was dead…” He scrubbed a hand over his face, and took another drink.

“So this is what’s got you upset.”

Jim gave him a look like he’d said something that should be totally obvious. “Yes!”

“Why?”

“Well, because…” he stopped. “I wouldn’t, I’d never…”

“He’s not you, Jim. He lived in a different reality, he was a different person.”

“Well, _yes_ , but…”

“Would it have upset you if Spock had been sleeping with, say, Sulu?”

“Of course not, that’s his business, not mine.”

“And this is your business why?”

“Because it’s _me_. Maybe you’re right, maybe it isn’t my business, but he _made_ it my business when he melded with me!”

McCoy gathered his thoughts. “This other Kirk…he was a good man? I mean, he wasn’t an outlaw or a renegade or anything?”

“No. I mean, yeah, he didn’t always follow the rules, but sure.”

“In spite of his relationship with Spock?”

Jim glared at him. “Dammit, Bones, I’m not a bigot!”

“I never said you were. Answer the question.”

“Yeah, as a matter of fact, he seemed stronger for the relationship.”

“There you are, then.” McCoy looked at him measuringly. “So why are you worried about it? That’s another reality, it doesn’t affect this one.”

“I wouldn’t!”

“So you’ve said. Several times. I wonder who you’re trying to convince?”

Jim stared at him for a moment, then sputtered. “You…I…but…”

McCoy sighed. “There’s nothing wrong with it. People don’t give a damn who you’re sleeping with, not like a couple centuries ago. I’m a doctor, _I_ certainly wouldn’t care.”

“But—”

McCoy cut him off. “Let’s look at this systematically, shall we? Are you attracted to women?”

Jim glared at him, his face red. “You know I am!”

“OK, then. So whatever you are, you’re not a full-on homosexual. Bisexual at most. Ever been attracted to men before?”

“ _No!_ ” Jim shouted.

He held up his hands in defense. “It was just a question, don’t bite my head off!”

“Sorry,” Jim said, a bit sheepishly.

“What about Spock? Are you attracted to him?”

Jim was quiet for a long time. “I…don’t know,” he said finally. “But he wouldn’t ever do anything anyway, so it’s academic.”

“The fact that you’ve thought about whether he would or not is pretty telling, don’t you think?”

Jim shrugged uncomfortably. “Maybe I am. I dunno.”

“Well, either way, I won’t care, and I doubt anyone else will either.”

“Spock would.”

McCoy grinned at him. “Maybe, you never know.”

Jim barked out a laugh, staring at what was left of his drink, then looked over at him. “Thanks, Bones.”

“No problem. That’s what I’m here for. Now go and polish your medal, or pick up a girl, or something, Doctor’s orders.”

“Yes, sir.” Jim grinned at him and got up to leave.

***

By the time the _Enterprise_ was ready to leave spacedock, he’d done plenty of thinking. He realized that he was attracted to Spock, not that it mattered. He didn’t know how Vulcans viewed same-sex relationships, but he could guess.

Logically, there was no reason for relationships like that to happen. Marriages produced children, which perpetuated the species. By definition, a same-sex couple couldn’t have children, not without donors or surrogates, so the Vulcans probably took a dim view of them.

And there was another consideration. Whatever might have happened in that other reality to make them come together wouldn’t happen now; things had been irrevocably changed. There were only ten thousand Vulcans left. Spock would probably have to marry and have children, to repopulate the species. Yet another reason to hate Nero, over and above the fact that he’d killed nearly six billion people on Vulcan, including Spock’s mother, and more than a hundred on the _Kelvin_ , including his own father. Even if Spock didn’t marry a Vulcan woman, he was wrapped up in Uhura, and God only knew how long _that_ would last.

All he could hope for was that, sometime in the future, he’d be given an opening, and he’d have the guts to take it.


	3. Overtures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk talks to Spock about what happened on Delta Vega, and apologizes for the things he said.

“Spock.”

“Yes, Captain?”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Certainly.” He stopped in the corridor.

Kirk coughed. “Um…it’s kind of a delicate subject.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, but nodded. “Would my quarters be sufficiently private?”

“Sure.”

Once they reached Spock’s quarters, Kirk looked around with interest. Spartan, austere, much like the Vulcan himself. Even the few decorations, such as the odd blade on the wall and the firepot, obviously were as utilitarian as they were decorative.

“It’s about…the other Spock.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “When we were on Delta Vega he…melded with me.”

“Did you give your consent?” Spock asked, and Kirk wondered why his voice had gone uncharacteristically sharp.

“Well, no. Not that I would have known what it meant anyway, before it happened.”

Insofar as it was possible, Spock looked appalled. “But this is against every code we have! It is not only a breach of protocol and personal privacy, it is a violation. The only thing I can compare a forced mind meld to that you would have a frame of reference for is rape.”

“What? No!” Kirk protested. “It wasn’t forced. I may not have given my consent, but it wasn’t rape! Jesus, Spock, you should know you wouldn’t do anything like that!”

Spock still looked disturbed. “Nonetheless, it is extremely troubling. That someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a version of myself would do such a thing…” He trailed off, then looked at Kirk, and there was muted anger in his eyes, deeply buried, but visible. “I would never force a meld on you or anyone else without their consent.”

“I _know_ that, Spock!”

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow at his tone.

“Sorry,” Kirk continued sheepishly. “But like I said before, I know you wouldn’t do that.”

“Given our history–”

“So we got off on the wrong foot,” Kirk broke in. “You’re honorable, and I know that. I’m…sorry about those things I said, by the way.”

Spock shrugged. “It was necessary.”

“Maybe, but the ends don’t justify the means. I got…flashes, when the other Spock melded with me. In the other timeline we were…friends.” He hesitated over the term, debating saying something else, but changed his mind at the last moment. "I’d like us to be friends here, too." He fell silent, waiting for Spock’s answer.

“That would be…agreeable.” Spock said carefully.

Kirk sighed with relief. He’d much rather have Spock on his side. As First Officer, he was hardly going to undermine him, even if Vulcans did that sort of thing, but it would be easier if they were friends.

“Do you play tri-D chess?”


	4. Slow Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk reflects on how his relationship with Spock has changed since he first met him.

Kirk left his quarters, heading for the bridge. He didn’t know what to do about Spock. They were friends now, of a sort. Spock came to his quarters occasionally, after they went off-shift, and they’d talk, or play tri-D chess. All Kirk had learned about Spock from this was that he was just as stubborn as Kirk himself was, and he hated to lose.

They’d debate all kinds of things–if the Prime Directive applied in every situation, whether it was possible to create stable wormholes, the relative merits of Bach and T’Pren…but in all their discussions, Spock assiduously avoided mentioning anything about his personal life.

Kirk had gleaned bits by reading between the lines; for example, Spock had an appreciation for Earth music and literature as well as Vulcan, and seemed to especially enjoy fantastic literature such as Lewis Carroll and Jonathan Swift. However, he still knew next to nothing about Spock’s childhood or his homeworld. He didn’t dare ask questions, and the one time he’d tentatively brought up Spock’s mother, he’d been met with a glare that froze his blood.

He’d told Spock about his life, in hopes of coaxing some information from him. Spock already knew about his father (he supposed every Starfleet officer did), but he told him about growing up in Iowa, his mother and brother, about his Mom’s boyfriends, Mike and Frank, how they treated him and Sam like shit, to the point that Sam finally had enough and ran away. He told him how he was so upset about Sam leaving that he stole Frank’s car and went joyriding, how that was the start of a long string of misdemeanors, until he got in a fight with five Starfleet cadets in a bar and met Captain Pike.

He told Spock about his time at the Academy, and Spock told him about his own time there–well, at least he told him about the classes he took, and what instructors he had, and they compared notes where they overlapped. He didn’t tell him anything about friends or lovers, or how he’d been treated as the only Vulcan there.

When Jim asked him why he developed the _Kobayashi Maru_ test, he replied simply, “It was necessary.”

The man was driving him slowly insane. When he’d first met him, at his hearing, he’d been pissed off. Then, on the ship, he’d been frustrated and incredulous. Now he was still frustrated…but he was also fascinated. Spock was an enigma, never giving anything away.

His interest in his First Officer was a good deal more than professional. But even though Spock’s relationship with Uhura had run its course, and they had parted amicably three months ago, Spock was still no closer to letting _him_ in.

As he walked onto the bridge, he grinned to himself. Let no man say that James T. Kirk ever refused a challenge.


	5. Inevitable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirk finally gets up the courage to bring it up.

Jim relaxed back onto the couch. Spock had surprised him by inviting him to his quarters tonight, rather than coming to Jim’s. He wasn’t sure what to make of that, but figured he’d never get a better opportunity.

Spock thankfully had set the environmental controls down to human normal–the first time he’d come in here it had been like walking into an oven. He stared around the room, trying to think how to begin.

“You ever wonder what it was like?”

“What what was like?” Spock asked.

“The other universe. You ever wonder what your life might have been like if Nero hadn’t shown up?”

“Such speculation serves no purpose.”

“Oh, come on, Spock, you must be curious!”

“As any such curiosity will never be satisfied, there is no point in indulging in it.”

“But it could be.” When Spock looked curiously at him, he elaborated. “It could be satisfied. That other Spock…”

“He is not me,” Spock replied.

“I know that, but he could tell you about your other life. He told me some things.”

“Such as?”

 _Ha! I_ knew _he was curious!_ “In that other universe, my dad lived. He was the reason I joined Starfleet.”

“I see.” No way of telling Spock’s reaction to that. Jim was learning to read him by the subtle motions of his features, but he could still be completely opaque when he wanted to be.

“I learned other things, too. When we melded.” Spock grimaced slightly as he was reminded of that.

“What did you learn?”

Kirk took his courage in both hands. “I told you they were friends, in that other universe.”

“He told me much the same, when he talked to me.”

“Yeah, but the thing is…it was more than that.”

Spock’s eyes narrowed. “Meaning what?”

Kirk swallowed. “They were lovers.”

“Such a relationship would serve no purpose,” Spock said immediately.

“What? What are you talking about?” Kirk asked. He’d expected any number of responses, but not this calm dismissal.

“The purpose of a relationship is to produce children. Two males cannot produce children.”

“Spock, there’s other reasons to be in a relationship,” Kirk said, exasperated. “Attraction, affection, mutual respect,” he hesitated. “Love.”

Spock raised a brow. “You are saying that you are in love with me?”

“What? No, dammit, I’m just saying that I could see why they did it!”

Spock nodded. “He was content?”

“Hmm?”

“The Ambassador. He was content, in this relationship?”

Jim thought back to the impressions he’d gotten from the mind meld. “More than content. He was happy.”

“And your counterpart?”

“Yeah. Yeah he was. That’s the most important thing, isn’t it?”

“I would disagree.”

“What could be more important than happiness?”

“Duty. Loyalty. Dedication to something larger than oneself,” Spock replied promptly.

“They were loyal to each other. And their crew. Just because they were in a relationship didn’t mean they forgot their obligations.” He paused. “I think they were better for it.”

“Nonetheless, the argument is academic.”

“Yeah,” Jim said sadly. “Academic.” Well, at least he’d tried.

The silence stretched for a long while before Spock broke it. “I did not tell you the topic of my conversation with Ambassador Spock.”

“What was it?” Jim asked, not really interested.

“I considered resigning from Starfleet.”

“What? _Why?!_ ”

“I considered my duty to my people to be greater. Every Vulcan would be needed to help establish the colony.”

“So what changed your mind?” From what he’d seen, once Spock made a decision, he stuck to it.

“Something he said.”

Jim waited for him to continue. When he didn’t, he prompted, “What did he say?”

“He said that I should put aside logic, and do what felt right.”

Whatever he’d been expecting, _that_ wasn’t it. “And you did that?”

“Yes.”

“Do you regret it?”

“No.” Spock paused. “I only regret that I was unable to follow his advice fully.”

“Huh?”

Spock looked at him. “You said our counterparts were lovers.”

“Yeah,” Jim said cautiously, wondering where this was going.

“This does not bother you?”

“No, why would it? Well,” he confessed, “it did bother me at first, but I got used to the idea.”

“It happened in another universe.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, a suspicion forming.

“A universe that no longer exists.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t still make your own decisions,” he told him, sure he was right now.

“But the colony…”

“He’s gone to the colony. He’ll fulfill whatever obligation you have. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“I do not ‘worry.’” Spock replied.

“No, of course you don’t, what was I thinking?” Jim replied, then steered the conversation back to the previous topic. “You sound disappointed that things changed…and don’t tell me you don’t experience disappointment. I know better.”

If Spock was human, he would have scowled. “There is a certain…regret,” he finally confessed.

“Why?”

Spock didn’t answer.

Kirk decided to go for broke. “Spock, do you _want_ to be in a relationship with me?”

“Of course not!”

“I must be rubbing off on you. That was a lie.” He thought a moment, “And not a very good one. We need to give you lessons.”

Evidently Spock decided not to compound the lie, for he stared at the floor and admitted, “All right. Yes.”

“Yes, you do want to be in a relationship with me?” Kirk made absolutely sure.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Spock looked at him with something like incredulity. “I mean, not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but our relationship hasn’t exactly been tranquil.”

Spock shifted, betraying just how uneasy this conversation was making him. “You have many admirable qualities.”

“And just as many lamentable ones. Ah, well, I suppose this kind of thing can’t be analyzed logically.”

Spock looked at him, and a smile quirked his lips. “Indeed.”


End file.
